Winds of Change

Big changes are about to happen in the Gehrlein household over the next couple of months. 

Rewind to the end of September, 2014 with me. 

Brian and I chaperoned a group of around 20 students to see Our Town by Thornton Wilder at KC Rep. Now, I studied this play and eventually assistant directed this show in high school, so I knew everything that was going to happen. I loved it. And then Act 3 came, and oh how it wrecked me. That performance sent me spiraling into tons of questions about what I was doing with my life. Ah the power of theatre. If you don't know the play, do yourself a favor and read it. I promise you won't regret it. 

So began what I think I'll refer to as my quarter life crisis. It hit me hard that I wasn't doing what I set out to do with my life. I had, in fact, settled for a job that pretty much landed in my lap. I can't complain there! I felt like I had been wasting my time. We needed a stable income, and my job provided that. I've never loved my job. It's been hard, exhausting, and I don't get to fully envelop myself in my passion. I have found myself already feeling teacher burnout, and I'm only 4 years in. Most of my job is teaching the public speaking side of my job instead of my passion: theatre. I kept thinking that if I stay I will never leave. The thought terrified me.

I've known since about November that I was not going to return to my position next school year. Right before spring break I let my administration know I would not be returning after May. Fighting off issues with approval and feeling like a failure has been tough. I now become part of a statistic that states that "anywhere between 40 and 50 percent of teachers will leave the classroom within their first five years." (Source) I hate that.

I have taken a literal leap of faith, trusting that I will be provided for as I take this giant leap. I had no plan at the time, but I knew that I was leaving and would not allow myself to look back with regret. I tell my students to take risks all the time, so here I am getting a taste of my own medicine.

I stood with a clean slate. What am I going to do? What do I want to do? I started playing around with the idea that the world was my oyster and dreaming a bit. For fun, I started looking at graduate programs around January, and I stumbled upon a MFA program for Stage Management. "That's a thing!?" I thought to myself. I had no idea. You see, in my undergrad I loved stage managing, so finding this program in my city was like the golden nugget I was digging for.  However, I let thoughts like "They would never take me" and "I don't know if I could really do that" rule my mind, so I brushed the idea of graduate school aside and didn't really seriously consider it. 

A few weeks passed, and I could not shake the idea of applying to the MFA program. I could not stop thinking about it. My husband, of course, kept telling me to just apply.  The final push came when I met with one of my undergrad professors, and he encouraged me to apply. Why not!? The worst they could say is "no". So I applied.

I interviewed with the head of the program just a few weeks ago. I was there for 2 hours. My interview included a complete tour of the facility, and I also met a few graduate students currently in the program. I left feeling positive, but not 100% sure if I was going to be accepted or not. There was only one spot left (they can only take 4 a year for this program), and I would be the least experienced of them all. Was I good enough? Do I have legit experience to do this? Questions swirled in my head for days. I was anxious indeed. But I did everything I could and it was not in my control anymore.

Last week I got a call from the head of the program, and I GOT IN! WHAT?! ME?! Yes. I cannot tell you how excited, nervous, anxious, etc. I am. So many feels. I'm headed off on an awesome/scary/exciting adventure for the next 2.5 years. If you want to know what a stage manager does, click here to get a decent idea.

While yes, this is an incredibly awesome opportunity, don't think I'm not sad to be leaving my current situation. I will most definitely miss the people I work with daily. My building is certainly not perfect, but the staff is incredible. They will do whatever it takes to help our students. I will miss (some) students. I can't imagine how some of them will feel when they find out I'm not there. My heart breaks for that moment. It will be strange not to come into my classroom in August. Like really strange.  It's hard to leave. I recently saw the musical Peter and the Starcatcher, and something that stuck with me was this. As Molly is about to leave her friend Peter forever, she says:

My 4 years at EGMS has definitely meant something. It hurts to leave. I've learned so much, grown a ton, and made many new friendships. 

One of the assignments I give my students is to create a 6 Word Story that describes their life. I tell them it doesn't have to be a complete sentence, or make sense, really. As long as it means something to them that's all that matters. I always provide mine as an example, so here you go: "Trust yourself. Aim for your dreams." I am trusting myself. I'm aiming for my dreams. Are you?